The more I discover about Asperger's, the more frustrated I seem to get.
I wrote extensively in previous blog about being a lone in large groups of people. I don't think I understood that until today.
I love people. I like being among crowds. I like parties. However, I am the wall flower. Making small talk is not easy. Making friends even more difficult. Whether it is a meeting, a class, or a party--I sit in the very back--away from others--and I watch. I don't join in. I am there physically but not socially. Very strange.
I am extremely self conscious. This is going to sound strange but Asperger's is a strange syndrome.
I can not go to family events, not even my daddy's funeral. I feel as if everyone is talking about me, criticizing me and my appearance. I can not put myself in that position. The last time I went to a family reunion, 15 years ago, I talked too much trying to fit in. I felt horrible. I couldn't relax. I couldn't enjoy listening to others' stories. I was miserable.
I went to my daughter's wedding but...I did not sit with the group, I stayed in the reception area getting ready. When the reception, started, I spoke to people who came over to speak to me. But most of the time, I sat under a tree away from the group. I almost didn't go--it was so hard to be on display for strangers.
I did not go to my granddaughter's baby shower. I couldn't do it! My daughter in law and son don't understand. But, my mind plays all kinds of tricks, mean tricks-- it fills me with dread, terror--it tells me people will talk about me in a negative way--I can't talk to strangers whom I will see again, I don't want to be judged, I don't want to be criticized!
Today, I want an apartment downtown. I want to walk among people so that I don't feel alone. But, I know myself well enough to know that I will make lots of acquaintances but no friendships.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
I knew I was different
Writing about Asperger's is so much more difficult that I thought it would be. This involves revealing my secrets, my pain. It is so tough! It is easy explaining I am different. It is tough revealing why.
I knew I was different beginning when?
We moved alot when I was growing up.
First grade I lived in Springhill. My teacher died. I went to her funeral. It terrified me! My parents moved to Shreveport and left me with my grandmother to finish the school year. I rode the train to see my parents in Shreveport. Did I feel abandoned?
2nd grade I attended Bossier Elementary. I played across the street with Linda who was a year younger. I played with Gary Wayne next door who was also a year younger. I remember my cousin Billy pulling my pants down as I was doing up the steps to enter my house--I was so humiliated. I never liked Billy again. I was never comfortable around him. He was a year or two younger. I don't get over embarrassments easily.
3rd and 4th grades I attended Central Park Elementary. I don't remember friends from school. I remember drawing Vincent Van Gogh, copying from a Weekly Reader. I was accused of tracing which was not true and hurt my feelings.
I remember hanging out with Tara's older sister. Tara was my age, my grade. But, I felt more comfortable with her older sister, Deidra. Don't know why.
I remember finding a baby bird. Had it in a shoe box. A little girl, a year or two younger, shared ownership of this bird. Roy, my age, got frustrated with our squabbling. He grabbed the box and threw it over the back fence, to the levy that separated our neighborhood from Red River. I was not allowed to go over or around the fence. I believed my dad's warnings of severe punishment. I did not see the bird being flung over the fence so I could not defy my dad's warnings to retrieve it. My heart was broken.
The police came to our house looking for my brother. He had vandalized some cars with crayons. It was so embarrassing to me--I embarrassed so easily. I can remember to this day the embarrassment!! I thought my brother was a juvenile delinquent.
I had two younger sisters and a younger brother. I babysat alot. I babysat for other people too. I was 8. I must have been an old soul.
My older brother and I attended Open Door Bible Church. We would ride with the pastor and his family, a daughter my brother's age, three boys-one my age and two younger. I volunteered to sing at services. My voice was horrible, something I didn't realize til much later. I was way too loud. But I had enthusiasm! I did not become friends with the boys.
5th grade, I was back at Bossier Elementary. I remember being beat on by my brother. He would take me for motorcycle rides or buy me candy so that I would not tell my mother. I remember sitting in the back of the classroom because I talked too much. I remember girls acting ugly when Mark brought his favorite girls red Valentine suckers. I got a Valentine sucker.
I was the only one in my family who went to church. I would walk across Hwy. 80, and attend First Baptist Church of Bossier.
6th grade, my parents bought a home. However, 6th grade I was at Meadowview, 7-8 at Greenacres Jr. High, and 9-12 at Airline.
In 6th grade, my two friends were Becky and Rita. Both were from military families. I felt left out. Both were a year younger. We played Barbies. I remember Becky's mother making ugly remarks about me being too old for Barbies. Rita moved to a "cheaper" neighborhood; I think her dad got out of the air force. Becky's dad tried to commit suicide; he drank something; they moved.
I received a "Tammy" for Christmas. I wanted a Barbie. My sisters got Barbies. I never did! I always felt slighted.
We went to girl scout meetings at Swan Lake Baptist. We would visit with the pastor before or after meetings. He was a sexual pervert. He liked to put his hands in little girls panties. He gave us free religious tracts for the privilege. We never told but we learned to avoid him!
I walked to church again, by myself. I was baptised. I had no family there to see.
Junior High School. Diane and I were friends with a little blond girl. We never got together outside of school. I felt like the odd man out. We were not friends in high school.
My most embarrassing moment was when my step sister, a red head with a huge birth mark on her face, became a new student at our school. She told everyone we were sisters. I think eventually we became friends but I don't think I ever forgave her for embarrassing me so publicly.
I had been in 4-H since 4th grade. I went to summer 4-H camp on Lake Bistineau. My 8th grade year, I was suppose to be a counselor. My parents would not take me to the 4-H meetings. I did not get to be a counselor.
One summer, I did not eat the bologna sandwich my mother had sent with me for the trip. It rotted in my ballerina lunch bag. Everyone in the cabin smelled it. I was so embarrassed to find out that it was my sandwich. I don't get over be embarrassed very easily.
I was a very sensitive child. I embarrassed easily. I did not ever forget those embarrassing moments. I was a joiner. I joined clubs--alone. I went to church--alone. I was an outsider.
I have 63 first cousins, none my age that I saw very often. We visited my grandmother at least once a month. I hid in a tree. I hid in books. I lived in my head.
I knew I was different beginning when?
We moved alot when I was growing up.
First grade I lived in Springhill. My teacher died. I went to her funeral. It terrified me! My parents moved to Shreveport and left me with my grandmother to finish the school year. I rode the train to see my parents in Shreveport. Did I feel abandoned?
2nd grade I attended Bossier Elementary. I played across the street with Linda who was a year younger. I played with Gary Wayne next door who was also a year younger. I remember my cousin Billy pulling my pants down as I was doing up the steps to enter my house--I was so humiliated. I never liked Billy again. I was never comfortable around him. He was a year or two younger. I don't get over embarrassments easily.
3rd and 4th grades I attended Central Park Elementary. I don't remember friends from school. I remember drawing Vincent Van Gogh, copying from a Weekly Reader. I was accused of tracing which was not true and hurt my feelings.
I remember hanging out with Tara's older sister. Tara was my age, my grade. But, I felt more comfortable with her older sister, Deidra. Don't know why.
I remember finding a baby bird. Had it in a shoe box. A little girl, a year or two younger, shared ownership of this bird. Roy, my age, got frustrated with our squabbling. He grabbed the box and threw it over the back fence, to the levy that separated our neighborhood from Red River. I was not allowed to go over or around the fence. I believed my dad's warnings of severe punishment. I did not see the bird being flung over the fence so I could not defy my dad's warnings to retrieve it. My heart was broken.
The police came to our house looking for my brother. He had vandalized some cars with crayons. It was so embarrassing to me--I embarrassed so easily. I can remember to this day the embarrassment!! I thought my brother was a juvenile delinquent.
I had two younger sisters and a younger brother. I babysat alot. I babysat for other people too. I was 8. I must have been an old soul.
My older brother and I attended Open Door Bible Church. We would ride with the pastor and his family, a daughter my brother's age, three boys-one my age and two younger. I volunteered to sing at services. My voice was horrible, something I didn't realize til much later. I was way too loud. But I had enthusiasm! I did not become friends with the boys.
5th grade, I was back at Bossier Elementary. I remember being beat on by my brother. He would take me for motorcycle rides or buy me candy so that I would not tell my mother. I remember sitting in the back of the classroom because I talked too much. I remember girls acting ugly when Mark brought his favorite girls red Valentine suckers. I got a Valentine sucker.
I was the only one in my family who went to church. I would walk across Hwy. 80, and attend First Baptist Church of Bossier.
6th grade, my parents bought a home. However, 6th grade I was at Meadowview, 7-8 at Greenacres Jr. High, and 9-12 at Airline.
In 6th grade, my two friends were Becky and Rita. Both were from military families. I felt left out. Both were a year younger. We played Barbies. I remember Becky's mother making ugly remarks about me being too old for Barbies. Rita moved to a "cheaper" neighborhood; I think her dad got out of the air force. Becky's dad tried to commit suicide; he drank something; they moved.
I received a "Tammy" for Christmas. I wanted a Barbie. My sisters got Barbies. I never did! I always felt slighted.
We went to girl scout meetings at Swan Lake Baptist. We would visit with the pastor before or after meetings. He was a sexual pervert. He liked to put his hands in little girls panties. He gave us free religious tracts for the privilege. We never told but we learned to avoid him!
I walked to church again, by myself. I was baptised. I had no family there to see.
Junior High School. Diane and I were friends with a little blond girl. We never got together outside of school. I felt like the odd man out. We were not friends in high school.
My most embarrassing moment was when my step sister, a red head with a huge birth mark on her face, became a new student at our school. She told everyone we were sisters. I think eventually we became friends but I don't think I ever forgave her for embarrassing me so publicly.
I had been in 4-H since 4th grade. I went to summer 4-H camp on Lake Bistineau. My 8th grade year, I was suppose to be a counselor. My parents would not take me to the 4-H meetings. I did not get to be a counselor.
One summer, I did not eat the bologna sandwich my mother had sent with me for the trip. It rotted in my ballerina lunch bag. Everyone in the cabin smelled it. I was so embarrassed to find out that it was my sandwich. I don't get over be embarrassed very easily.
I was a very sensitive child. I embarrassed easily. I did not ever forget those embarrassing moments. I was a joiner. I joined clubs--alone. I went to church--alone. I was an outsider.
I have 63 first cousins, none my age that I saw very often. We visited my grandmother at least once a month. I hid in a tree. I hid in books. I lived in my head.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
What is Asperger's
I am self diagnosing although I plan on getting a real diagnosis as soon as possible.
I have researched this extensively on the Internet--my source for so much information--both good and bad.
Asperger's Syndrome name has been around for a very short time--ten years or so. It is a form of autism which also hasn't been labeled for that many years. There is no pill to take unfortunately. It is often misdiagnosed. Because you can not look at someone and tell, many lay people do not accept it as a serious mental health problem. But if you are autistic in any form, it is devastating to live with and to change one's personality is almost impossible!! I am almost 60. So much is ingrained. Making changes is so difficult! But one never gives up!!
This is a brief description of Asperger's syndrome--I chose those characteristics that most pertain to me in putting together this list. It is not a complete list and not the same for every person.
I have been researching and taking all kinds of tests for this syndrome. Briefly, this is what I have learned:
What is Asperger’s Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is a neurological condition. People are born with it. It is genetic. 1 female for every 4 males affected.
One in every 250 people has AS.
AS struggle in certain areas, such as the social realm, and family may not understand that such difficulties are valid and real. Many times, people with AS are blamed for behaviors they cannot control.
People with Asperger Syndrome usually experience:
Difficulty knowing what to say or how to behave in social situations. Many have a tendency to say the “wrong thing.”They may appear awkward or rude, and unintentionally upset others.
A tendency to focus on the details of a given situation and miss the big picture.
Feeling somehow different and disconnected from the rest of the world and not “fitting in”— getting lost in one's head.
Vulnerability to stress, sometimes escalating to psychological or emotional problems including low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
Difficulty handling finances.
Traits and talents from which individuals with AS often benefit include:
· Normal to very high intelligence
· Good verbal skills,including rich vocabularies
· Originality and creativity including a propensity for “thinking outside the box”
· Honesty and ingenuity
· Strong work ethic, with particular attention to accuracy and quality of work
· Special interests that can be tailored toward productive work or hobbies;
Individuals with AS who have intensive knowledge in one or more specific areas can channel their expertise toward new discoveries and creations in their chosen field
I have researched this extensively on the Internet--my source for so much information--both good and bad.
Asperger's Syndrome name has been around for a very short time--ten years or so. It is a form of autism which also hasn't been labeled for that many years. There is no pill to take unfortunately. It is often misdiagnosed. Because you can not look at someone and tell, many lay people do not accept it as a serious mental health problem. But if you are autistic in any form, it is devastating to live with and to change one's personality is almost impossible!! I am almost 60. So much is ingrained. Making changes is so difficult! But one never gives up!!
This is a brief description of Asperger's syndrome--I chose those characteristics that most pertain to me in putting together this list. It is not a complete list and not the same for every person.
I have been researching and taking all kinds of tests for this syndrome. Briefly, this is what I have learned:
What is Asperger’s Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is a neurological condition. People are born with it. It is genetic. 1 female for every 4 males affected.
One in every 250 people has AS.
AS struggle in certain areas, such as the social realm, and family may not understand that such difficulties are valid and real. Many times, people with AS are blamed for behaviors they cannot control.
People with Asperger Syndrome usually experience:
Difficulty knowing what to say or how to behave in social situations. Many have a tendency to say the “wrong thing.”They may appear awkward or rude, and unintentionally upset others.
A tendency to focus on the details of a given situation and miss the big picture.
Feeling somehow different and disconnected from the rest of the world and not “fitting in”— getting lost in one's head.
Vulnerability to stress, sometimes escalating to psychological or emotional problems including low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
Difficulty handling finances.
Traits and talents from which individuals with AS often benefit include:
· Normal to very high intelligence
· Good verbal skills,including rich vocabularies
· Originality and creativity including a propensity for “thinking outside the box”
· Honesty and ingenuity
· Strong work ethic, with particular attention to accuracy and quality of work
· Special interests that can be tailored toward productive work or hobbies;
Individuals with AS who have intensive knowledge in one or more specific areas can channel their expertise toward new discoveries and creations in their chosen field
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