I Love People

The more I discover about Asperger's, the more frustrated I seem to get.

I wrote extensively in previous blog about being a lone in large groups of people.  I don't think I understood that until today.

I love people.  I like being among crowds.  I like parties.  However, I am the wall flower.  Making small talk is not easy.  Making friends even more difficult.  Whether it is a meeting, a class, or a party--I sit in the very back--away from others--and I watch.  I don't join in.  I am there physically but not socially.  Very strange.

I am extremely self conscious.  This is going to sound strange but Asperger's is a strange syndrome.

I can not go to family events, not even my daddy's funeral.  I feel as if everyone is talking about me, criticizing me and my appearance.  I can not put myself in that position.  The last time I went to a family reunion, 15 years ago, I talked too much trying to fit in.  I felt horrible.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't enjoy listening to others' stories.  I was miserable.

I went to my daughter's wedding but...I did not sit with the group, I stayed in the reception area getting ready.  When the reception, started, I spoke to people who came over to speak to me.  But most of the time, I sat under a tree away from the group.  I almost didn't go--it was so hard to be on display for strangers.

I did not go to my granddaughter's baby shower.  I couldn't do it!  My daughter in law and son don't understand.  But, my mind plays all kinds of tricks, mean tricks-- it fills me with dread, terror--it tells me people will talk about me in a negative way--I can't talk to strangers whom I will see again, I don't want to be judged, I don't want to be criticized!

Today, I want an apartment downtown.  I want to walk among people so that I don't feel alone.  But, I know myself well enough to know that I will make lots of acquaintances but no friendships.