I knew I was different

Writing about Asperger's is so much more difficult that I thought it would be.  This involves revealing my secrets, my pain.  It is so tough!  It is easy explaining I am different.  It is tough revealing why.

I knew I was different beginning when?

We moved alot when I was growing up.

First grade I lived in Springhill.  My teacher died.  I went to her funeral.  It terrified me!  My parents moved to Shreveport and left me with my grandmother to finish the school year.  I rode the train to see my parents in Shreveport.  Did I feel abandoned?

2nd grade I attended Bossier Elementary.  I played across the street with Linda who was a year younger.  I played with Gary Wayne next door who was also a year younger.  I remember my cousin Billy pulling my pants down as I was doing up the steps to enter my house--I was so humiliated.  I never liked Billy again.  I was never comfortable around him.  He was a year or two younger.  I don't get over embarrassments easily.

3rd and 4th grades I attended Central Park Elementary.  I don't remember friends from school.  I remember drawing Vincent Van Gogh, copying from a Weekly Reader.  I was accused of tracing which was not true and hurt my feelings.

I remember hanging out with Tara's older sister.  Tara was my age, my grade.  But, I felt more comfortable with her older sister, Deidra.  Don't know why.

I remember finding a baby bird.  Had it in a shoe box.  A little girl, a year or two younger, shared ownership of this bird.  Roy, my age, got frustrated with our squabbling.  He grabbed the box and threw it over the back fence, to the levy that separated our neighborhood from Red River.  I was not allowed to go over or around the fence.  I believed my dad's warnings of severe punishment.  I did not see the bird being flung over the fence so I could not defy my dad's warnings to retrieve it.  My heart was broken.

The police came to our house looking for my brother.  He had vandalized some cars with crayons.  It was so embarrassing to me--I embarrassed so easily.  I can remember to this day the embarrassment!!  I thought my brother was a juvenile delinquent.

I had two younger sisters and a younger brother.  I babysat alot.  I babysat for other people too.  I was 8.  I must have been an old soul.

My older brother and I attended Open Door Bible Church.  We would ride with the pastor and his family, a daughter my brother's age, three boys-one my age and two younger.  I volunteered to sing at services.  My voice was horrible, something I didn't realize til much later.  I was way too loud.  But I had enthusiasm!  I did not become friends with the boys.

5th grade, I was back at Bossier Elementary.  I remember being beat on by my brother.  He would take me for motorcycle rides or buy me candy so that I would not tell my mother.  I remember sitting in the back of the classroom because I talked too much.  I remember girls acting ugly when Mark brought his favorite girls red Valentine suckers.  I got a Valentine sucker.

I was the only one in my family who went to church.  I would walk across Hwy. 80, and attend First Baptist Church of Bossier. 

6th grade, my parents bought a home.  However, 6th grade I was at Meadowview, 7-8 at Greenacres Jr. High, and 9-12 at Airline.

In 6th grade, my two friends were Becky and Rita.  Both were from military families.  I felt left out.  Both were a year younger.  We played Barbies.  I remember Becky's mother making ugly remarks about me being too old for Barbies.  Rita moved to a "cheaper" neighborhood; I think her dad got out of the air force.  Becky's dad tried to commit suicide; he drank something; they moved.

I received a "Tammy" for Christmas.  I wanted a Barbie.  My sisters got Barbies.  I never did!  I always felt slighted.

We went to girl scout meetings at Swan Lake Baptist.  We would visit with the pastor before or after meetings.  He was a sexual pervert.  He liked to put his hands in little girls panties.  He gave us free religious tracts for the privilege.  We never told but we learned to avoid him!

I walked to church again, by myself.  I was baptised.  I had no family there to see.

Junior High School.  Diane and I were friends with a little blond girl.  We never got together outside of school.  I felt like the odd man out.  We were not friends in high school. 

My most embarrassing moment was when my step sister, a red head with a huge birth mark on her face, became a new student at our school.  She told everyone we were sisters.  I think eventually we became friends but I don't think I ever forgave her for embarrassing me so publicly.

I had been in 4-H since 4th grade.  I went to summer 4-H camp on Lake Bistineau.  My 8th grade year, I was suppose to be a counselor.  My parents would not take me to the 4-H meetings.  I did not get to be a counselor.

One summer, I did not eat the bologna sandwich my mother had sent with me for the trip.  It rotted in my ballerina lunch bag.  Everyone in the cabin smelled it.  I was so embarrassed to find out that it was my sandwich.  I don't get over be embarrassed very easily.

I was a very sensitive child.  I embarrassed easily.  I did not ever forget those embarrassing moments.  I was a joiner.  I joined clubs--alone.  I went to church--alone.  I was an outsider.

I have 63 first cousins, none my age that I saw very often.  We visited my grandmother at least once a month.  I hid in a tree.  I hid in books.  I lived in my head.